I guess... you can only try to do what you can to make the world a better place. You'll probably fail on most tries, and stumble and fall and look like an idiot. But all that trying will be worth it the day you actually do manage to help someone out!

So yeah, a Cracked article I recently read made me painfully aware of how pretty much every video game (and book, movie, film, etc.) enforces this idea that men are entitled to hot women.

The argument was this: the stories we see, read, play, etc. have a commonly-occurring theme. That the hero is rewarded the pretty girl for saving the world or doing whatever it is that he does. And since we all see ourselves as the heroes of our own stories, men come to expect, however subconsciously, that they deserve the heroine's love. or sex. or whatever. (Note that this article was written by a dude. Which added a layer of complexity to the entire reading, but anyway...)

So yeah, I was thinking about misogyny and gender socialization for the rest of the day. And applying that hero-deserves-the-heroine to all these damn video games that I spend my life with. Of course, when I read that argument I slowly looked up from my computer and glanced over at the Legend of Zelda posters carefully placed on the wall to my left--and saw all the Links staring back at me. Heroes. Deserving of the princess they save. I wouldn't argue with that, and I love that story to death, but...what kind of message does that reinforce--?

But!! This is where I can defend my beloved video game franchise. And it's important so I'm ranting it out here. First off, a Link/Zelda romance has NEVER been canon--until Skyward Sword, which is what I'll focus on. See, I love the whole best-friends-or-maybe-more thing between them, but I thought I always liked it a little better when they met for the first time and developed a connection over the course of their quest (Ocarina's love story, if it exists, has always been dear to my heart), as opposed to the stories in which they're childhood friends (I guess it's cute in Minish Cap because they're kids, but any older and it's sort of lame...*cough*Ilia*cough*).

HOWEVER. One thing about the preexisting connection between Link and Zelda in SS is that it has nothing to do with entitlement. They're close because they grew up together, they have some sort of chemistry, they simply appreciate each other as people--before either of them realized their roles as Goddess or Chosen Hero. "I was just fine hanging around with you in Skyloft," says Zelda (loosely quoted from memory). Saving the world (and Zelda) doesn't entitle her to him. She's no "reward" for doing some cool manly things. He went off to save/find her, carried out his quest, simply because he cared about his friend.

You'd think the Zelda series is your quintessential example of the hero entitlement complex, and in many ways it has been. Back in the eighties I'm sure there were no conversations about gender politics in video games. And Zelda is such a minor character in many games, so any romance following her rescue definitely sets her out as a reward rather than an autonomous human being. (One reason why some male ZeLinkers have made pretty repulsive jokes in the Zelda fandom. ugh.) But if that's the case, maybe it's a good thing that Nintendo has made evidence of a canonical Link/Zelda relationship so elusive.

Now, don't get me started on Mario. I fucking hate that guy. you too, Peach. get out of the kitchen.

1am. panic attack. did i lose it or did he take it from me?

Rationality is setting back in and I think I can reason this through. My squiggly line of thought:

• The 99% spring. Civic action training across the nation.
• one event is going down 2 miles away. I want to go.
• Look at facebook. Consider posting and publicizing it. maybe someone wants to come with?
• talk myself out of it.
• imagine going alone. Meeting and talking to new people. Making new friends?
• Remember creepy guy at OLA (what if he's there?!). Maybe he wasn't so creepy. I got scared off, thought he was too interested in me.
• Maybe he just wanted to be friends. And I was out of my element.
• Maybe I don't know how to make friends. (Rationality: In this case, you were really out of your element--your guard had to be up.)
• Him. He--did he--no. How could he. It's him.
• He's the first person I'd blame.
• But it is his fault.
• What's going on? Have I lost my ability to have real friendships?
• I can talk to people, but I can't figure out how to develop closeness with them.
• I can't explain my issues to my best friend.
• I can't reach out to deepen/maintain a friendship with another friend I really relate to.
• I just sit in my room everyday and wonder why I don't have friends anymore.
• He did something to me. Quick blame suspicions aside, was our friendship--if you can call it that--so botched that it ruined my ability to have friends?
• How could I let him fuck me over like that?
• How am I going to get through life? Without friends?
• I'm just like my dad. No friends. Doesn't know how to make them.
• All I really want right now is some human closeness. I can't even do that. I've built up so many walls that I've trapped myself in.
• I'm distant. cold. I can care about people, but these days--
• Does my best friend notice? Could she really do anything about it, if she did?
• (Rationality: I'm dealing with some serious issues right now, and I think anyone would be hesitant to open up about stuff like this with even those closest to them. Best friends have drama venting sessions, talk about feels, but that's different. It's a little more petty, it's part of life.)
• So I don't have a friend I can talk to about this stuff. I should get help. But there's too many obstacles to that.
• Whatever, I have Link--I can tell him anything.
• Shut up, he's not a real person.
• Ohh, can't I just run off to fantasy world? I don't want to deal with this.
• Running away is how you got messed up like this in the first place.
• Calm down. There's no need to panic--you're not as hopeless as you think.
• Let's go livejournal it out.

And so I did.

...also, on the bright side, without friends I could be Neku. That's cool too.

what am I supposed to do with my life? What could I possibly contribute to the world I think I have something to offer, but who's going to even give me the chance?

It's this assignment for argumentation. I'm analyzing an op-ed about bullying... And before I realize where it came from I find myself humming the theme from Return of the King. It must be a buried memory, a dusty connection brought to the fore.

Also, "One does not simply ... take the elevator to the first floor."

m-maybe I should stop going out. There have been chances lately, and they've been nice, but it all just reminds me that something is very wrong right now. This doesn't feel so bad when I forget what I am missing...

I was just thinking. When I got here 2 years ago I realized how weird and awkward I was. On the internet, people were normal and their screennames were more or less their real names, not some fandom reference or whatever. They did things like watch music videos and movies and sports. And I wholly believed that I needed to shed my geeky habits and finally act like a normal person.

Looking back at it now (and having spent all of yesterday on dA like the good ol' days), I just see such a dearth of creativity among the people here.

And never before in my life has this awareness of "awkward" become so engulfing. Every social interaction seems to have a proper response and an awkward response. Act the right way, or you're awkward. As if there is a "proper" interaction, defined like a script. It's all very confining.

How in the world did I get this way? I wanna say I'm done with it. Fuck the social script, and who are you to define what is "awkward"? That word should not even exist. This is a prison, this idea of social convention.

So we've said that this is the place where nerdy kids come and learn social skills. I guess I don't object to that--if you really were a nerd when you got here (were you??)--and I'd say that social skills is a much better way to look at it. You have complete freedom in your choice of social action, but there are ways of responding or acting that will best help accomplish a social goal, if you have one. And those are social skills.

It sounds pretty utilitarian, I guess.. Act a certain way in order to gain approval for a position, acceptance into a group, the attention of a particular person, the admiration of others. But there are more selfless social goals, I'm sure. You could apply social skills in order to better help someone, like knowing how to talk to a friend who is going through a hard time.

So yeah. I think I need to purge the word awkward from my dictionary. At least that definition of it, anyway.

Maybe someday, I'll be brave and strong and free of insecurity; fearless enough to not need to change the privacy settings on my thoughts.

...of course, sometimes it's just that I want to spare the world my whining. Even though I'm hidden by internet anonymity and obscurity, I wouldn't want to trouble the random viewer that stumbles here, I suppose..?

It's one of those weird little dichotomies that are bothering me right now.

Chilling in the philosophy library again today because I felt obligated to go outside while it was sunny. Another great find:
http://cscs.umich.edu/~crshalizi/Russell/on_youthful_cynicism.html

I suspect if I was a philosophy major and approached these ideas out of academic necessity, it wouldn't be quite as powerful.